Yea well when i pee it makes steam.
My balls are so social today.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
Still drunk and leading the team through the 9am sales meeting. I'm pretty sure this is why there aren't more 26year-olds in management.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
Randomize
