all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
