It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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