You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
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