i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
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