I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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