my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
