the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
