My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
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