Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I wish you could order shots online.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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