its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
