She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
Randomize
