Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
