I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
