Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
operation have a gay friend backfired
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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