Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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