I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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