i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Have you ever got so drunk that you tasted the future?
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
