If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
i solemnly vow to never stick my penis into crazy again
I give it a week.
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