Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
