Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
