For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
at what point last night did i decided to have a photo shoot with your camel toe
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
Randomize
