just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
