He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
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