How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
