I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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