you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
