I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
