I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
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