shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
