You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
Randomize
