I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
What can i say, my face is nice and my body is just unreal. And my beer pouring/stealing is incredible \n
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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