You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
Randomize
