Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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