I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
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