Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
