peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
Randomize
