Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.
I've always been the spiritual type.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize
