Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
Randomize
