I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Come over. I have beer, your weird ass vegan pizza, and a raging hard on.
Marry me.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
Randomize
