I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
I asked to see his balls for medical purposes.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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