Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
Randomize
