tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
If you think eating a bowl of leftover stuffing and drinking champagne from the bottle in dirty sweats at 9am is sexy... Then yeah, I'm your girl.
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
