she looked like the bat from fern gully.
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
in honor of breaking bad starting soon, i am now banging a walter white lookalike. viva heisenberg!
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Randomize
