I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
