Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
First of all you can never say anal too much. Second I now think you're a total gentleman.
Rarely has that paragraph ever been put together
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
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