Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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