I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Nick had a break down & said to me "Everybody's mad at me, I'm the douchebag, Im the fucking douchebag that everyone hates, Do you wanna come home with this douchebag?!"
You're going home with him aren't you?
I'll see ya in the morning when I leave his house
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
