Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
