I think im going to throw up on grandma
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
